After my article 15 Images You Won’t Believe Aren’t Photoshopped became an internet sensation at Cracked, I gave writing another shot with my new article. Check it out via the link below.
6 Horrible Lessons Hollywood Loves to Teach Kids
I wrote an article on pictures that are just too insane to be real, which got picked up by Cracked.com today.
Check out 15 Images You Won’t Believe Aren’t Photoshopped, and if you like it, Digg It.
So you may remember my post from back in November about this incident when it first happened. A Texan cowboy saw two burglars breaking into his neighbors house, and called 911. He spent about 5 minutes practically begging the dispatcher for permission to go shoot the burglars, and despite all of the dispatchers protests, eventually went out and shot the two robbers. In the back. They were unarmed. They are now dead.
How much evidence do you need that something isn’t self defense? The guy with the gun went outside on his own, hunting for the nasty brownskins. Then they had enough time to turn and run away before he pulled the trigger. He fired three times while they were running. But oh, let’s not be too hard on poor old Joe Horn. He “didn’t want to” kill those poor boys. He just wanted to go outside with his loaded shotgun and talk to them. Violence was the farthest thing from his feeble mind.
This kind of vigilante justice is exactly the problem with this country. No one disputes whether or not the two guys were engaged in criminal behavior and should be in jail for their actions. But they shouldn’t be dead. They shouldn’t have been punished without a trial. And it certainly shouldn’t have come at the hands of some redneck asshole with a shotgun. Since when is the only Constitutional right we care about the that lets us carry around our guns?
Fuck you Texas. Fuck all of you. Right in your fucking faces.
Dear Fat, Redneck Air Conditioner Repair Man,
When I came back from lunch, I found you inside my experimental test bay working on the broken air conditioner. While I appreciate your fervor for getting things fixed, let me spell out the problems with what you did.
1) There are at least 12 million no smoking signs around our building. These are not there for comedic effect. This is a combustion research facility. Combustion is a fancy word that means explosions. You should be familiar with this concept as it’s clear that your gut has undergone some growth explosions from pounding away at those six packs of cheap beer to drown out the cries of your children. What the word “combustion” should mean to you is to tip you off that the giant cylindrical canister next to you is not in fact a marshmallow creme filling storage container, but rather a tank full of hydrogen at 150 atmospheres. Every time you flick those embers off the cigarrette you’re smoking while you work, you’re chancing a trip to the morgue in an ash tray of your own.
2) Which brings up the second point. That wrench you’re swinging to knock the cover off the air conditioner? That’s a fine idea, were it not for the fact that the gas tubes that carry the hydrogen over to the experiment are directly in the line of your swing. And they’re not sturdy enough to survive a full baseball swing from a two foot long crescent wrench. I know you think I didn’t see that near miss you had, but here’s a tip the next time you’re trying to hide such a mistake. Shouting “Oh Shit” as the wrench leaves your hand to smash a giant dent in the wall an inch away from the gas line is not your best beat for “stealthy.”
3) The lights were off in that room for a reason. When you turned them on, you jeopardized a piece of light sensitive equipment more expensive than your double-wide. I can understand how this type of equipment can be tough for a man of your intellect to comprehend, but a good rule of thumb is to treat any equipment the same way you do your first wife: Stay outside 1000 feet of it on authority of the local district court.
4) That big fat cord running under your feet? It’s not a garden hose, it’s a special line carrying 1000 Volts. Some men would be tipped off that this cord is serious business by the two inch diameter, but when you’re clever enough to fix an air conditioner, it’s obvious that you don’t need to stop to ask that kind of question. So you stood there with the cord, in a giant puddle that you had created by banging a hole in the bottom of the A/C case. An intelligent plan…if you’re aiming to collect some life insurance payments for your widow.
So next time you step into a research lab with more DANGER signs than doorknobs, consider asking someone before you go to town. It will save the university money spent salvaging the equipment your ineptitude fucked up, it will save you from an embarassing accidental injury with the inevitable Darwin award, and it will save you subsequent excruciating death at the hands of the graduate student whose work you set back for two weeks.
Forever Yours (and another phrase with the acronym F.Y.),
Joe
Haven’t had a Fuck You of the Day in a couple months. So I guess it’s about time.
Education is one of those things that we value pretty highly in our society. You know, preparing the next generation to take over the reins and change our Depends. As long as I’ve been around, learning to read has been a key part of education, as it enables kids to take learning into their own hands. Want to know why the government sucks? Look it up in Wikipedia a fucking book. It’s the way the world works.
We’ve put a lot of energy in making sure that our kids learn to read, and think about what they read. So we try to get them to read for fun. Read a story, use your brain, use your imagination. How many times have we all heard about how kids spend way too long playing video games instead of learning?
So the question I put to you is, if reading is so important and so valuable and so educational for our children, then why the fuck does Barnes & Noble only carry the expensive versions of books? Seriously, I went in there the other day and the only version of Tom Sawyer for sale cost 8 fucking bucks. Now remember this isn’t just any book. This is one of the great American classics. One of the books that no education is complete without. And furthermore, it’s by a dead author, so you’re not helping him out any, and it’s in the public domain, so you’re not even paying royalties to his family. And that’s worth 8 Bucks. Suck a cock assholes. You are why kids play video games instead of read. On your website you’ve got 10 other versions, some as cheap as 4.99, but which one do you have in stores? The special Barnes & Noble Classics Series Edition for 8 fucking dollars. Oh it’s no secret why of course. Because of that public domain issue, every dollar past cost is profit in your pocket cocksucker. Some people might lower the price closer to cost in the absence of royalties to try and get books like these classics out there, but not you. You take the high road and jack the price up a few extra bucks just because you fucking can.
I was in the other day looking for Cat’s Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut, a book I had heard good things about from friends and wanted to look into. The only edition they stock in the store is 15 dollars. Here we’ve got another case of one of the great American authors. But one book, which is only a couple hundred pages long I might add, costs more than a three month subscription to Netflix. Special edition my fucking foot. It’s the same fucking book with a different cover. When I was a kid (listen to me telling “in my day” stories at 26) generic paperback fiction had a cover price $4.99. Now it’s $8.99, a mere 50% higher than inflation would cause.
Seriously, fuck the whole book industry.
Since I know you all refresh this page by the minute to hang on my every word, I’m sure you’ve already noticed that I’ve added some new links at the bottom. Some friends over at the Cracked.com forum recently started a blog link trading thing, which I’ve been happy to join in. After all, what are complete strangers who happen to all post on a common message board on the internet yet will never meet each other or really develop any sort of significant relationship or real capability of giving two shits about friends for?
My favorite among the new links is that to Tim Cameron, writer of The Silly Addiction. Tim is one of my favorite internet funny men, an awesome musician and, if the ladies are to be believed, a pretty alright lay. I’d highly recommend you hop over and take a look. It’s sure to result in a few laughs.
Gas prices have gone through the roof, placing the cost of a tank of gas somewhere between the average hooker and the average post-hooker what-the-hell-is-this-thing-on-my-dick doctor visit (I had a rough trip to Vegas once SHUT UP). People tooling around in Lincoln Navigators are shitting bricks about which organ to sell to pay for the family trip to the beach, and rednecks in pickup trucks are trying to create “biofuel” with their own excrement. All of a sudden, it’s in to be concerned about what kind of gas mileage your car gets.
Well fuck me.
I could’ve told you that SUV was a waste of your money years ago dickheads. All these years you’ve been rocking a fat ass, blocking my view on the road and taking up two thirds of the parking space next to you, and now you want my fucking sympathy, because boo-fucking-hoo your next tank of gas is more expensive than my wedding ring? Go pound sand up your ass.
I’ve been driving regular cars from day one behind the wheel because even at a dollar a gallon, gasoline was too expensive to waste. But not you, you wanted to look cool and feel like you had some serious power behind the wheel, meanwhile inconveniencing the rest of us and taking our safety for granted. Fuck it! There’s plenty of gas to go around. But now that the tune’s changed you’re rushing to the car dealers, asking what the fuck that MPG sticker on the window is all about. Wah, Wah, four miles a gallon was cruise control for cool in the ’90s.
Well fuck you. You shit your bed, now lie in it. I hope every car dealer sells out of their sippers and you’re stuck driving your gas hog into bankruptcy. Hey here’s a thought, maybe sitting in your brand new refrigerator box home can be your new status symbol. Or maybe you’ll realize how much time you traded for gas when you spent all those years being an asshole racing up to that red light in your Diesel Ford F65,000,000. Nah, that would require half a fucking brain.
He’s going to be selling guns at cost so that people can arm themselves for the purpose of saving lives. I love this mentality. And why stop there? What about Rocket Launchers? Tanks? Jet Fighters? Fuck it! If any criminal gets ahold of one of those, then I want one too so that I can defend myself! Let’s escalate interpersonal violence to the level where we’re all protected by Mutually Assured Destruction!
I’m serious. Give every US citizen a nuclear weapon. Nobody will use theirs because they’ll all be afraid of everybody else retaliating. It protected us during the cold war and it can protect us now. It’s a plan that can’t fail. Call up your Congresmen and tell them you demand they implement the Is Suck plan for clean streets. Do your part to make the Lowest Common Denominator a little bit lower, today.
To update the article from several months ago, today’s Lowe’s Receipt:
1 Item (a dowel)
Length: 22 inches. (A mere 25% longer than last time.)
Proof positive that Lowe’s hates the trees.
